[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation