[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
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DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish