We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
i think we should see other cousins
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.