Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice