I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.