Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Perfect
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
That de-escalated quickly
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.