It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.