Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
You Might Also Like
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Cool shirt 🙂
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.