HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My wife gives the best headache.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken