[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.