Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes