Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
cause of death:
autopsy.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”