Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*launders Kohls cash*