My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
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*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Duolingo getting serious.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes