I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
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My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.