So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar