An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
As the Lord intended
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go