She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.