Its a hippotatomus
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.