Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I would like even faster food.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.