Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?