[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Catering service
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things