eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
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It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.