tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
✌🏽
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.