When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here