Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
No. He’s not coming out to play
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.