cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Easy enough.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice