So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms