Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
why would tinder want me to say this
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?