Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
You Might Also Like
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
March 16
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
A little too much information.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.