Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
You Might Also Like
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.