Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.