Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.