Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking