I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before