Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜