My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…