The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE