My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.