Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.