“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?