There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
You Might Also Like
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
the red hot silly peppers
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.