*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
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[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.