Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Nice try, poison.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?