🙁
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
meow
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*watches the world burn*
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa