Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
You Might Also Like
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?