Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha