If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
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[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
🍞🦆
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
The Friday File.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier