If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
me as a parent
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.