Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing